my year end Christmas letter in march

Im popping on to say I hope you all have a happy resurrection day weekend.

I have not posted anything since January other than happy birthdays and such and nobody here seems to have missed me. So I'll fill you in on some things and if anyone wants my cell to text or fb message me, let me know via pm. 

A few updates since I did not write a year end Christmas letter...

My son spent a month in japan and loved it. I won't be at all surprised if he ends up living there.

My second child had her second baby and she and her husband are now home owners which was an unexpected blessing for them. A highlight of my week is the day I get to spend with my grand daughter. 

John is still performing though often there are days I feel like while he lived through events of 2019, he's lost a lot of memory and words. I pray a lot, feel alone a lot and often feel like he's here physically but I've already lost him in many other ways. Meanwhile, he keeps reaching out to everyone he knows to share any light of Christ he can with as many as he can.

A lot has happened since October when my youngest eloped with a guy she had only known a few months directly following a break up. I have reason to believe there's a lot more to the story and that her new MIL isn't here legally. Eliana has rarely texted since. She swears she didn't trade in her family for another, but that simply does not appear to be true. It hurts like no pain I ever experienced, but I just hope she's alive and finding herself in Christ without our guidance or support.

In addition, our church is in transition since the pastor stepped down. I am so weary of being part of churches going through changes. 

I am plugging away at trying to live in a way pleasing to God and honestly often feel like I just don't truly belong anywhere. I gave my life to raise my kiddos and I solely believed I was doing the right thing by homeschooling them but with the events of late, I feel more like I've wasted my life and a failure than anything.

When I do log on to Facebook it doesn't take long before many posts depress me. So, I probably won't be posting much going forward. Instead I'll mostly be hanging out on my blog FB page even though I haven't blogged or written much elsewhere in years since AI stole my writing gigs.

I truly don't want to end sounding depressed, so if you really are interested in keeping in touch with me for whatever reason, I'll be happy to text or message you. I prefer no phone calls though. I did my time on the phone for years, and it's not something I enjoy.

Jesus and coffee moment restoration

This morning when I was having time with Jesus and drinking my morning coffee complete with collagen, He brought to mind a scripture I don't really think about much anymore, but I used to. 

I will restore the years the locusts have eaten.....

Joel 2:25

In my current life, this meant a lot to me. With an estranged married teen daughter, I question a lot of my worth in regards to parenting. For years I felt that was my calling. Now, there are many days I doubt that I did much good. 

But, to remember those words about restoring the days and years that were wasted away gives me hope. 

My husband used to quote that verse a lot when we were first married because he felt like he had wasted years before we meant in sin. Now, in our older years and after we almost lost him 7 years ago, I can rely on this scripture for his healing and restoration as well. 

What a glorious reminder that God is not done working in my life, and there is hope for restoration of what feels like wasted years. 

when you question everything

Today I went to a wedding shower for a bride I don't know. 

Why? 

Because I figured if my daughter won't allow me to be a part of her celebration, I'll share in the joy of another. 

For those of you who don't know what I'm speaking of, I'll backtrack briefly and then I'll probably ramble on and on:

This Saturday, March 7, is when my daughter was supposed to be married, but instead in October - though she denies she hurt us - she chose to crumple up her family like a used journal page and throw us away in exchange for her groom and her new family......whom she had only known for a few months.

She eloped with no invitation extended to any of her family. Then she blocked us.

Yes, I've received a few random messages from her since, very short and claiming she loves us. 

I am not trying to muster sympathy or play the part of a victim. Though, I'm not sure how any of her actions demonstrates that her love for us is true. 

I won't delve into details, but it boils down to the biggest hurt of my life. And, since I thought I was obeying God by making it a mission to raise kids and homeschool them, I feel like I wasted a good portion of my life.

This girl was the rainbow baby I begged God for after losing 3.

For 18 years I praised God for answered prayers. Now, there are many days I reflect on that and wish I would have just stopped after my first miscarriage and focused on the two beautiful babies I already had.

Her life unfolded with a lot of mental angst in her. Some anxiety and such had good cause complete with traumas like watching her dad almost die. But most, I'm not sure there was any outside reason for.

I dropped everything to be there for her when she needed to be with someone. I would pick her up from work and surprise her with a trip to the mall or crumbl cookie or a game of tennis. I encouraged her every desire in life, early graduation and college, a job she wanted before she could drive, I taught her to drive. I actually just paid off her Invisalign and other huge bills she incurred and left me with for things she needed or wanted.

She was 18, in college and dating a guy she wanted to marry. Suddenly things started changing. She quit school, broke up with the guy and two weeks later met the guy she married just a few months later.

It all happened way too fast for me. We wanted to slow down and make sure this union was of God. Red flags began arising, like his mom isn't even a USA citizen, and he never picked her up for dates and she paid for almost every date. Her hard-earned savings dwindled.

She said she's tired of the arguments, but the only argument I'm aware of is the one that came two days after her birthday. 

We gave her a big celebration the weekend before. On her birthday, she group texted the family that she was moving up her wedding date from March to December, about 2 months from when she texted us. Then, we didn't see her for two days and when we finally saw her we asked her about some things, like why the rush? 

This conversation didn't end well. She stormed out and slammed the door. It escalated from there until my husband and I were miles away on Mackinac island when we discovered she was trying to elope.  

There's so much more to the saga, but now she's married at 19, barely. 

People say she's got problems she needs to work through. But, she swears I rushed her into marriage and that she didn't throw away her family, and she loves us???

I'm left with so many questions that she refuses to answer. But, I know she blames me for reasons I can't even comprehend. I'm left feeling like I failed her and everything I ever thought was my calling in raising her.

sunsets and crosses

scripture James true religion

scriptures favorite