Puddle Jump Through Life With Us - Living... Loving... Growing... washed in the love of Christ

Puddle Jump Through Life With Us - Living... Loving... Growing... washed in the love of Christ

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Flowing River of Blessings

It's time for a good book

Tuesday, March 3, 2020

Maybe everything I ever thought is wrong


All of my life, since the time I was an itty bitty little girl all I ever wanted to be was a mommy or a teacher. Every year for Christmas all I asked for was a baby doll. Every year, my mom would oblige. I cared for and loved those little dolls. Some, I still have.

When those in authority over me started asking what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would answer - teacher. After all, they made me feel as if I had to choose a profession, and really mommy is what I wanted to do. So, if I had to choose a paying career - teacher it was.

When I married and became a mom, I really felt called to stay home with my babies. I always viewed my motherhood as a mission field. I was to raise three children to love God above all else. That was my mission. To do so, I became their teacher and homeschooling was born.

I was a mommy.
I was a teacher.

As the years went on, I thought I was doing the right things. I would bend and twist to every ebb and flow each young personality would throw my way. I tried to provide them with learning opportunities and countless trips to activities each one showed interest in. This was all done in an effort to mold their individual personalities into who they were meant to be.

I had walked away from a paying job in exchange for a much worthier vocation.

So I thought.

Today, all of my children are teenagers. Honestly, this hasn't been as scary as that sounds. Most days, I really love and am embracing their transition into adulthood. However, lately, there have been struggles.

Now, I question everything I ever thought was right.
I really feel as though I tossed my life away in exchange for theirs yet they don't appreciate it. Anything they've ever accomplished s truly in spite of me, not because of me. But, if that is true than the opposite must also be true as well that every failure they experience is also in spite of me. But, I am quick to hand them their accomplishments with accolades that they are each self-made amazing beings. Yet, I am also quick to take the brunt of their failures as if I did them a disservice by taking them under my wings and educating them at home.

Time will tell if I need to regret my decision to stay at home with my babies and to homeschool them. Right now, I feel like it was all a mistake. I feel like they would become who they are meant to be in spite of me or anything I give up for them.

But, right now I feel like my life decisions have all been for naught. I could quit and go back to work and just seek out whatever will become of the rest of my life, but not yet since my husband needs my help right now.

I never thought I had any regrets in life until my child is essentially looking me in the face and telling me that I am not helping their problem. All I can say is that it's not for lack of effort that I fail.

If I had to do it all over again, would I stay home to raise my babies?
Would I choose to homeschool them?
Would I do anything different?

Probably, yes. I certainly don't feel as though I've been a success at life in any regard right about now. When people look at my children and judge them for not being who or what they think they should, I blame myself. When people look at my children and compliment them for their amazing achievements, I know it's in spite of me that they fly.