Thoughts of the Hyper Sensitive Mind

I wonder what it feels like to go through a day without crying.
I wonder how it feels to encounter conversations without being hurt.
I wonder what it's like to take criticism and stand tall.

Yes, I am hyper sensitive.

It's a part of me. It's a part of my personality that has been with me for as long as I can remember. It's a part of me that I both admire and despise.

I admire it because it is the driving force behind my pursuing a degree in college that would allow me to delve into psychological issues and counseling to help others. I've always had the uncanny ability to see things from both sides, both points of view. - Another thing about me that I both admire and despise.

I despise my sensitivity because it causes me a lot of pain. I often feel rejected, which is my biggest fear.

I'm not sure how to approach changing this sensitive trait since part of it is something I love about myself and I don't want to change it. I do, however, want to stop feeling offended so easily and hurt by people's words, tone, or actions that seem to be hyper critical, judgmental, or out right rejecting of who I am.

It's the part of me that makes it difficult to walk out my Christian faith. The passage about how we will know they are Christ's disciples by their love is difficult for me.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I strive eto show love. I encourage whenever I have a chance and rejoice in other's happy moments even if I disagree. And, that's probably why I expect the same in return but seldom get it.

There are those rare gems of a person who are sensitive enough to see how I need to be talked to, treated or regarded. But, they are extremely few and far between, and sometimes they are the ones who hurt the worst because you never expect a person so kind to turn on you as they often do.

I seek to encourage others.
I seek to treat others how I would want to be treated.
My hypersensitivity allows me to do this.

I also crave for that in return.
This is where my hypersensitivity often pains me.

An unkind word, usually in the name of "trying to help" knocks me off of my feet every time.

So, where do I begin to change this without demolishing my sensitive nature in caring for others?

Someone once told my parents that I was dealing with a critical spirit, not that I was critical, but that someone somewhere along my growing up was critical to me. The result was depression, anger, suicidal thoughts (don't worry those are gone), and sarcasm. I still deal with anger and sarcasm while depression and the more drastic extremes have subsided with a lot of work in capturing every thought and taking it captive to Christ.  Though, I do recognize depression in others and have seen it in my children. I want better for them.

One of my children, however, handles criticism better than anyone I've ever known which is a good thing because he's online a lot and that's a tricky place to be when you're hypersensitive. He sees it as constructive and uses it to improve himself. The comments that are just written like, "what an idiot" he sees as simply mean and disregards them.

I wish I knew how to do that.

I take everything to heart, but I think my worst enemy is that I somehow think that if I tell someone how they made me feel, they would feel bad about it and try to change how they said something. But, this always backfires. Most people either simply don't care, or they forget, or they will turn it around and make you feel worse saying that the way you feel makes them feel bad. They may walk out of the room or walk out of your life proving they never really cared about your feelings in the first place. This is especially hurtful when the person who responds this way is your husband.

Anyway, moving on. How do I change my hypersensitive nature without destroying any sensitive kindness I have left in me towards others?

I guess I'll start with 1 Corinthians that explains what love is. One of the descriptions is that love is not easily offended, it always believes the best in others.

So I must not believe the best in others if I jump to being offended and hurt by what they said. I guess i will start there...  So, how do I believe the best about someone who seems to think I really want to hear their opinion about me and what I need to change, or about someone who rudely suggests something at the most inopportune times without stopping to consider how their tone came off?

I'm working on it.

That's all I can say. For now, I start by wiping away my tears and knowing that for some reason God collects them all in a bottle. So, it seems God cares for me even when I feel no one else does.