Mother's Day Behind the Flowers

On Mother's Day morning, I woke up to a bouquet of roses. This may seem sweet and natural to you, but to me - We don't usually do flowers. So, it was a nice surprise. As I went through the day, I realized there is so much more behind the flowers on Mother's Day.

Here's the four reasons I celebrate Mother's Day - My 3 babies and my own mom. But, honestly, there once was more than just three babies:

Behind the roses is so much more. This meme says it all:

I don't know the pain of holding a child in my arms, nurturing them, loving them, watching them grow only to turn them back over to the arms of Jesus, but I do know the pain of miscarriage. I had six pregnancies. Three of them resulted in live, healthy births. For two of the six pregnancies, all I have is an ultrasound picture and memories of a faint heartbeat and one heartbeat that seemed to be healthy.

As Mother's Day comes around, I always think of the other three. I'm sure there are many, many other mothers who have a similar experience. Behind the roses and the joys of Mother's Day is heartache.

But, if we are wise and fortunate, we press on.

In my case, I had a boy and I had a girl with absolutely no problems or no indication of infertility. I had no foresight that it was even possible to lose a baby after becoming pregnant. So, it hit me by surprise. The miscarriage of the first was a strange experience. We were ready to announce it to the world, but instead, the baby would cease to thrive. It was a delivery with labor pains and even came complete with the rush of joy afterwards, but strangely so because there was no reason for joy. There was no live baby to hold in my arms and nurture. 

I remember after the loss of my second pregnancy, I felt numb. I wanted to be angry. But, I was beyond any feeling at all. I remember reading the Bible. I remember it was a concentrated effort to do so, because I wanted to turn my back on everything I had ever hoped for or believed in. After all, my hopes had just been dashed and taken away. I remember coming across the verse - Where else can we go, Lord, for you have the words of LIFE!  This became my focus. I didn't understand the reasoning behind the losses, but I had no where else to turn but back to my faith in my creator.

Eventually, I became pregnant again. And, again, I lost the baby. It was then that I prayed my Hannah prayer. Like Hannah in the Bible, I asked God to bless me with a baby.

He not only blessed me with another child. The story of her life over the 9 years I have been privileged to hold her so far is nothing short of miraculous. God not only answered my prayer for a baby, but she was healthy, she was beautiful, and she came so quickly that my husband delivered her at home - At home, within about an arm's length of where I had miscarried the second baby! Now, I sat holding a beautiful gift.

This year, Mother's Day rolled around again. I am blessed beyond belief!

I spent the Saturday before at my mom's church where they always have a mother/daughter banquet. She likes it that we come. This year they had asked us to send in videos with pre-written questions, so we did:

We had also been reviewing an art curriculum, and had made felt flowers thinking we could give some to my mom. Well, as expected they didn't turn out as best as we had hoped, so I just kept them:

The Rabbit Ate My Tulips and Other Not-So-Happy Mother's Day Stories

Happy Mother's Day, and if this day finds you feeling sad - Happy "Not-So-Happy-Mother's Day" to you! I hope you find something to make the day sweet and blessed. If not, maybe you will by the end of this blog post.

I'll start from the heart of it and not mince words.  For every woman, Mother's Day is not a day she feels like celebrating.  Some are grieving, and some are still hurting from childhood, teen, or adulthood memories that have left them angry, hurt, or numb.

Though I sit here typing today feeling completely beyond blessed.  My Mother's Days were not always quite so happy.  What I want to share are three stories:

1) My story
2) The rabbit ate my tulips
3) Watching my flowers bloom

Here's my story:

(If you are on a mobile device, or have trouble clicking below - Here's the direct link!



 

 I realize not every story of miscarriage ends the same way, and I want you to know that I've walked in the shoes of thinking my story would end only in grief.

Along the way, I made a decision to make the most out of my memories of the babies that I lost.  This decision did not come lightly, nor did it come rapidly.  After the loss of my first baby, Micah, I felt the need (I attribute this to God speaking to me) to read the book of Micah.  I'm still somewhat puzzled as to why I felt the need to read this book, but I did.

Mostly, the best I derived from the book was Micah 7:7:

"But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord,
   I wait for God my Savior;
   my God will hear me."

And, that's what I did.  Even in my anger, which oddly enough came mostly after the second loss - Not the first, not the third - I pressed into God, even when I felt numb, sad, or emotionless - Because, as in the words of the disciples later, in the New Testament:

"Where else can I go - For only you, oh Lord, have the words of life!"

One Mother's Day, my husband gave me the sweetest gift ever.  He brought me tulip bulbs to plant.  See, I had decided, unbeknownst to him, that tulips would represent the babies I never got to hold in my arms.

Tulips have to be planted in the ground, in the form of a bulb.  They require staying in the ground through a hard frost before they can bloom.

I felt it was representative of how my babies were inside my womb and were cut short before seeing the sun and allowed to bloom.  Plus, I love tulips.

I planted those tulip bulbs and waited for them to bloom in the spring.

In the spring, they did bloom.  Oh, they were beautiful blooms.  I was so happy.  Every day I saw them, I knew the names of the babies they represented.  It was as if I got to celebrate a small bit of life.

For a short while.

One day, I came out to look at my tulips, and I noticed the blooms had been chewed off of one, two, then several, and finally all of them.

The culprit?

An adorable bunny.

As adorable as this bunny was, it made me mad and sad.  I grieved all over again, yet somehow saw in it a strange coincidence.

When a woman is pregnant, the saying goes:  "The rabbit died".  I found it so ironic that my babies were not allowed to be placed in my arms this side of heaven, and even in my small celebration of their attempt to be represented by a tulip bloom - A rabbit wouldn't allow it.

I felt as if rabbits were out to get me.

Since I couldn't enjoy my attempt at relishing the beauty of life, even in the form of a tulip, I turned my focus toward the blessings God has granted me:  My three living children.

As I watch them grow, blossom and get ready to break out in a full-fledged bloom, I'm reminded of how great our God is.  While there are just some things I will never understand this side of heaven, He gave me the desires of my heart by filling my empty, dead womb, with a living, growing baby.  He had done this twice before my miscarriages, but it wasn't till after my losses that I would understand the fullness of how rich these two blessings were.



Today, my husband left six orange roses for me on the table in a vase.  He has no idea how special that is to me.  I'm sure he chose the roses according to what he could afford and what he thought was pretty.  But, those six roses represent the six babies that I once held in my belly:  3 gone, 3 living and blooming in my house and in my arms.

So, to those reading this who are suffering and mourning - some grieving the loss of a child they did get to hold but never allowed to bloom fully, or the loss of a mother, or the pain a hurting mother caused, with eyes fighting back floods of tears this Mother's Day, I want to wrap my arms around you and I hope you know that I still weep with you.  I hope that your joy is one day complete.  Until that day of full-bloomed beauty comes into your heart, that even a rabbit cannot kill - I hope you press into the arms of a Savior who seems to have abandoned you, but is really wanting to walk with you through the Valley of the Shadow of death into a garden of life.

A Mother's Day Post

As I sit here early in the morning while the house is still quiet, it is easy for me to dream and think about the mother I want to be to my children.  This morning - Mother's Day - I read a devotion that described the mother of Jesus.  It went on to link to scriptures about mothers and that led to reading a bit about how the Bible describes a mother's love.

As I read, I wonder - Do I measure up to this description of a mother?

I certainly want to be a good mother and a godly mother.  But am I?  When I hear my children argue over who gets which color of straw or who sits in which seat or even be so bold as to angrily tell me that I am unfair in how I handle situations between them to suggest I might even love one child more than another, I question - How do I measure up as a mother?

Am I doing the kind of job God requires of me?

Am I meeting my own standards of what a mom should be?

I know I fall short on many occasions, but it's not from lack of desire or love or even effort.  When I fall short it is because I am human and cannot be at three places at once or inside three little hearts at the same time.  It is because I am tired from being up with a sleepless child or stressed from the pressure of debt or a work-at-home workload knowing there is still need to go over fractions and spelling or don't have the time to stop as we are rushing out the door trying to find our shoes.

Parenting and mothering is far more than carrying a baby full term.  It is truly not very difficult to enjoy the company of a happy healthy baby giggling in your arms.  Being a mother, a godly mother, involves so much more.

When I first looked into the eyes of my newborn son, I was surprised.  He was not like the other babies I had previously known from babysitting or the academy of children where I worked.  This child, this newborn, looked back at me.  In his eyes he looked into my soul as if to question:

"Can I trust you?  Will you take care of me?"

Being a mother involves more than the smell of a newborn nuzzled up to our noses.  It involves more than baby giggles and happy times.  It's natural and easy to stay awake and watch a newborn breathe.  But, being a mother means looking into the soul of that child on days when they are looking into your eyes and telling you they are angry...at you!  It involves loving them patiently when everything in you wants to respond in defense or hurt.

One of my college degrees was in psychology, the college called it Human Services.  In my studies, I learned a great deal of what makes children tick.  None of this fully prepared me for parenthood.  It is truly different to look into the eyes and soul of a child you know will not be picked up at 6 p.m. to go home with his parent.  You are that parent.  You may have help and an amazing support group of friends and family, but ultimately, that child is yours to raise and love and nurture.

Most of us do not have that amazing support team.  Sometimes we encounter far less than support, even criticism for our choices.  From the raised eyebrow of the assistant at the doctor's office when you mention you homeschool to the out and out refusal to help from the unexpected friend or family member you thought was behind you all the way or even a spouse who simply cannot be there due to work demands or even lack of care, ultimately our children are our responsibility.

As I sit here and type in the quietness of our early morning house, my thoughts are always hopeful and fresh.  I am free to dream and pray.  And, my prayer this Mother's Day morning is this (and I wonder if my children will someday respond to this verse):

"Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her..."  (Proverbs 31:28)

American Girl Doll Store and Mother's Day

A trip to the American Girl Doll Store is an amazing trip and all the more special when it's Mother's Day weekend.

Today, we celebrated Mother's Day with a trip to my mom's church where there was a luncheon.  On the way home, I surprised my daughters by stopping by the American Girl Doll Store (brand new store in our city).

They were thrilled.  It was such a sweet experience and a really fun thing to do on Mother's Day weekend.

We didn't end up buying anything this time, but plan to return for my youngest's birthday as the girls have decided she looks a lot like McKenna (the American Girl Doll of the year 2012).

Being a Mom: What No One Will Tell You

With Mother's Day fast approaching, I thought it appropriate to write a Mother's Day post.  Instead of all the happy, flowery poetry that surrounds Mother's Day, making it sound like some sort of a dream, I decided to write about some of the things no one tells you.

• Labor pain is intense but is the most rewarding pain that seems to be miraculously swallowed up with joy the moment you set eyes on your newborn.
• Strangers will stop you at the check out line and feel compelled to tell you (as if you hadn't noticed already) that your baby is missing a sock.  It's important to know that no matter what you do, some babies will always be left wearing just one sock.  You can backtrack your steps in Target to the very farthest corner of the store to retrieve it, but when you try to put it back on your child's foot, chances are he will yank it off and begin chewing on it leaving him one-sock footed once again.
• No matter how many hair cuts you give your son, there will still be people who think he is a girl.  It's important to just come to terms with the fact that your boy may, in fact, be even just slightly more beautiful than your girls and no matter how often you cut his hair, his eyelashes will continue to grow.
• When you welcome baby #2, you will question "What have I done?" and possibly even feel guilty of the attention you will be taking away from your first born.
• Mr. Ferber was wrong.  Bedtime doesn't always work out so well when you let a child cry it out.  Sometimes they end up purple and throwing up from upset.  It really is ok to pick them up and comfort them for sleep.  But, if you choose to share your bed with them do so with full knowledge that it is a decision that will last for at least 3 years and possibly longer on stormy nights.
• Potty training - Oh, potty training!  You will think these are the worst days of your motherhood.  Don't despair, however, you can rest assured there will be worse days ahead.  When your child is successfully potty trained, take a deep breath for about 6 years because pre-adolescence is coming.
• Even picky eaters survive into adulthood.  While it may be shocking, there are a few adults who made it there without ever finishing their Brussels sprouts.
• If you homeschool, your children will never be too far away.  This has its pros and cons.  The overall verdict is the pros win.  However, there will be days you question this decision to educate at home.  These are the moments you make a fast break to the nearest park or break out a video for the day.
• Some days your child will make you feel like the labor pains are a relieving alternative to the pain they cause.  The heartache of words that come out of their mouths and attitudes that breaks your heart feel like a kick in the gut, like they yanked the sunshine right out of your day, crumple and tore it to bits and then threw it back at you like a stab in the back.  It will hurt when your dreams are nowhere close to their dreams and when your simple suggestions are not only ignored but argued and possibly even ridiculed.  Yes, that tender bundle of joy does have the power to make you question every decision you ever made and wonder if it's all worth the pain.
• When all is said and done (though, I have not yet even made it through the teen years that are rapidly approaching as my oldest turns 12 tomorrow) All in all, that first look into your baby's eyes will hook you for life.  The good days make a mark in your heart like a beautiful song that never disappears.  And, the prayers of a mother are powerful.  A mother on her knees is the most uplifting sight for the entire family.

Happy Mother's Day!  Enjoy your personal journey and may your good days be more plentiful than any other.  May your joy swallow up all pain as it did the very first day you met your child.

I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye To My Mom!

It wasn't supposed to be this way. I know I waited to have children far too long, and I'm the youngest of four siblings myself, so expecting my parents to be healthy enough to enjoy their last set of grandchildren from me was a far-fetched hope. Still, my son was supposed to have a grandma. There she laid all but motionless on that hospital bed as we checked off one rare surgical complication after another that she suffered. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to my mom and wasn't ready to end what was only 6 months into a grandparent relationship with my new infant son.

This was the mom whose side I would not leave as an infant. I clung to her screaming at any other arms attempting to hold me. She nursed me through severe allergies and worrying over me through asthma-like attacks as an infant, then held me in the hospital after having my tonsils out at only 13 months of age as the nurses left the room due to my screaming upon the sight of them. She was the one who would rock me to sleep and read me bedtime stories in her sleep as she would grow weary of reading and drift off yet continue to read, most likely a memorized story for her because she would read word for word in her sleep to me.

As a child, I would not leave my mom's side. Oh, it wasn't all rosey. Though, she gave me her best, as a late teen and early adult I demanded more. We had our share of arguments - One that ended with me walking out and not speaking to her for months. Thankfully, I came to my senses and began to make amends. I'm glad I did because now she could be a part of my wedding, and now a part of my children's lives too. That's what I thought. That's what I had hoped for anyway.

She is a woman who has a natural gift of hospitality. As a child our doors were opened quite frequently to visitors, traveling missionaries or singing groups who needed a place to stay and relatives. When we moved to St. Louis, we must have visited the Zoo and Arch 27 times in one summer with all the visitors. She is a natural cook. She is quite the chef, though she will tell you it's just something she enjoys and that at one time in her life she was actually quite the picky eater. She values her family. I don't know that I would call her a "Mother Bear" type, but she loves to have her children near. She's a natural grandma too. And, my husband often says she's a great mother-in-law as well. In fact, that day before her surgery, she wasn't thinking of herself as I would probably have been fearful of the outcome. Instead, she looked each one of my siblings and I in the eye and made sure we knew how proud she was of us and how God had answered her prayers for us to find wonderful mates. She was thinking of me while she faced the unknown in that hospital room.

I'm happy to say that as I write this it is 10 1/2 years after those long months spent recovering with showers of prayer over her bedside. She is alive and just celebrated another birthday on Easter this year. She has welcomed not only my son who was 6 months old at the time of her hospital stay, but also my two daughters who love their Grandma. Oh, she no longer drives a car and her mobility is slower due to other issues of hips, knees and bunyons. But, she is alive. She is my children's grandma and she is my mom to whom I have not yet had to say a final goodbye!

Happy Mother's Day!

For Mother's Day: Motherhood is one long interruption

I am a homeschooling mom of 3 and freelance writer. I also sell on Ebay. I do these money-making things so I can continue to stay home with my children. I have to share with you how laughable it is over here to try to write when it's not 2:00 a.m. and everyone is sleeping. So far this morning, and this is typical, I have written 1 article for an online publisher, got 1 article waiting on a picture from someone for another online publisher, and then saw there were 31 cent Baskin Robbins tonight, so cranked out a Frugal Living article. Here's what transpired in the course of this:

Turn on computer - heat up coffee - 3yo wakes up cries for me to sit with her. I sit
with her - She now wants an egg - I clean the pan and make an egg - I sit down to write - She now wants letters and milk (alphabet cereal). No one else is awake now and I explain to her that we will be able to go to the park if she lets me write some articles. 3yo uses the potty & can't find the toilet paper - I direct her to TP. I sit down to write - 3yo wakes up her sister who comes out upset telling me that 3yo just woke her up saying we were gong to a park. I try to write some more - 8yo talks to me about something - I tell her if I can write the articles, we can go to the park and that she needs to eat breakfast and get started with her math book. 8yo asks if we have any milk (she is staring at a brand new carton in the fridge). 8yo pours a bowl of cereal, sits down and I discover she has no milk in her cereal. I get up and get her the milk - Sit back down to write. 9yo makes annoying sounds with this strange voice he likes to discover and I ask him to stop - I try to focus and write more - Computer slows down so I wait for computer to open a web page so I can link it. 9yo now needs encouragement to finish math - I get back to reading as I try to make sense out of what I'm writing. I realize I have no picture and need more detail on an article on a fundraiser a friend wants me to write on - So, I write up that article to get ready to go as I promised my friend. 8yo needs something else - I try to focus - Husband calls asking question about vitamins as he's at O'Fallon Nutrition - 3yo sits down at table to read book with 8yo and knocks
over her cereal and milk - I clean up cereal and milk minimally - Needs more attention as soon as I finish writing - Will I finish writing? And, will what I publish make sense?
And to think, some may comment on my grammar - Hah! While, I simply find it amazing anything I write ever makes any sense amidst all this.

Now, my husband is home with frozen and refrigerated foods that need to be put away and lunch started as the children are currently screaming D-A-DDDDDD-YYYY!!!!