Those who don't know me very well may have no idea, but most of my life I have dealt with depression on one level or another. I'm not sure where it started. It could be hereditary. I don't know. But, the important thing is that it stops with me.
Still, I think I function a lot on words. Words mean a lot to me. I am a writer, after all. Though, I really don't consider myself one. But, words mean a lot to me.
Happy words build me up faster than just about anything else in the world. If you speak happy words to me, I will probably do just about anything for you. However, there is a catch. If you speak them without meaning or in a shallow way, it will backfire and I will not trust anything else you say.
Sad words, or even words that imply judgement or rejection hurt me the worst. Yes, I have a fear of rejection. I think I have all of my life, or at least since about 4th or 5th grade when we moved to a new school and people were not so kind.
But, it doesn't take much of a mean word to bring me to tears and feel worthless. When someone critiques my grammar, it almost always sends me into tears and feelings of worthlessness.
Also, words don't have to be spoken to hurt. Sometimes, it's the unspoken word - the absent words from a forgotten birthday or lack of invite to something others were invited to, for instance. The compliment that went to a sibling from another sibling but never to me. Or, the empty I Love You that seems to ramble off of my husband's tongue like a memorized, thoughtless script. Or, a poorly worded comment that leaves me feeling as if I don't matter enough for someone to take the time to formulate a thoughtful one, as I would have done for them. Or, the meaning I interpret behind the words I am given.
Probably the most damaging words are the hurtful ones. Facebook and Twitter are terrible in this regard. People are constantly spouting out their opinion with no regard to how someone else might feel. Even though I rarely engage in these arguments, I read comments from time to time, and I empathize with the person I agree with, as if we are sports teams, always with two sides trying to win a game.
It's probably the ones who should be lifting me up, close friends or family, whose words hurt the absolute most. Lack of kind comments or comments that seem to have hidden undertones of disagreement, like one comment in December from a family member telling me that my homeschool is very cocoony. This was in return to a comment about how my daughter still loves to snuggle. This family member went on to say how my child needs to get out into the real world. Ouch! In that one statement, you criticized my method of educating my children and my parenting skills. And, for some reason I can't let it go.
Early this morning, I woke up to a notification on my phone that a client was asking for revisions. This doesn't happen much actually, but it's typically not a big change. Often the changes are so small that I wonder why the client didn't just make them without sending it back to me. This morning's was different. It came from a client whom I consider almost a friend. She is always so complimentary, even tipping me on frequent occasion. She is a naturopath and has even provided me with helpful advice during sicknesses. So, when I saw her ask for a revision, I literally got sick to my stomach. It hurt. But, this is just one of the numerous examples of how words send me into despair.
Then, I came out to work on another writing project, and my computer was freaking out beeping like crazy. Turns out, the Windows update somehow removed my OneDrive folder. I would have stopped everything and asked my IT guy (my son), but it was early and he was sleeping.
So, now I sit having done basically nothing all morning and trying to pick myself up enough to get the gumption to write.
Scripture helps, but it does require constant meditation. Here's some of my favorites:
Why so downcast oh my soul, put your trust in God.
Cast all your anxiety on Him for he cares for you
God, who comforts us in all our troubles.
I will strengthen and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Puddle Jump Through Life With Us - Living... Loving... Growing... washed in the love of Christ
Flowing River of Blessings
It's time for a good book
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Thursday, April 11, 2019
Monday, October 15, 2018
The Face of Depression
So, as I sit here alone in my early morning time which I have come to absolutely love when I actually am successful at waking up ahead of the family (this is no easy task nowadays), I am thinking about depression and what a vicious liar it is. I speak as one who knows depression first hand, not just as someone who has experienced it but also as a suicide counselor as part of a college internship. First, let me give you a background.
I will spare you a long, drawn out account of how depression and I met. But, I will tell you that I am quite familiar with it and that when I was in college, I concluded more than 60 hours of training and more hours of online, deep in the thick of it, online counseling when I helped to staff the suicide hotline. ..."Thanks for calling Life Crisis Services, this is KC. Are you feeling suicidal today?" So, KC was my assumed name as we were instructed to protect our own identity as we helped some people through some potentially dangerous situations.
After intense training, my very first live call was a suicide in progress... We were able to get help to the person in time, but talk about jumping into the deep end full force from the get go.
As I was attempting to help others, my desire to do so was spurred on by an intimate knowledge of who depression is and the damage it can do.
If I'm honest with myself, I have probably wrestled with depression since at least my teen years, though it wasn't until I was in my 20s that I would come head to head and tackle it in my own life. And, I really believe I have a good hold on it personally now, though it does creep its ugly head from time to time. Sometimes it still takes me off guard with its pathetic wooing voice of thoughts that I don't measure up. My children don't measure up. No one will ever understand me. Things will never get better. It's just not worth the effort. ... These are the thoughts that are the beginning of a sinking pit, and it's at the moment they first crop into my mind that is the time to do the battle to squash them.
Personally, I had to learn to take every thought captive and hand it over to my Savior, Jesus Christ.
I remember this process took time and was a conscious effort, sometimes with rapid-fire attention to an all-out attack on depression's part trying to drag me under. What I didn't realize at the time is that years later, I would need this training to help my own children.
About 5 years ago when my son was making the transition from boy to man, I noticed he seemed to be struggling. Maybe it's because he spends a lot of time programming in front of the computer that I was more aware when depression tried to convince him to believe it. But, I believe God showed me at the time that my son was depressed. Because I was allowed to recognize it early, we tackled it together, and about a year ago, my then 17-year-old, told me that he really has a good handle on depression now and it doesn't crop its sad attempts to drag him down hardly at all anymore.
I was so relieved, but I didn't see the next victim was right there before my eyes.
My newly turned 12-year-old daughter has for the past couple of years complained of constant headaches, tummy aches, sore throats, etc. I've spent a lot of time trying to get to the root cause and a lot of prayer and efforts have gone into making her well. It wasn't until within the last year that I started noticing these symptoms she complained of being so miserable would POOF suddenly dissipate when she would get busy doing something she enjoyed. I began to realize. She's depressed.
I will admit that I wish I had pinpointed depression in her a couple years earlier so it would never have done any damage. But, that's not typically the way it goes. I am, however, thankful, I have now put my finger on it and am making a full-fledged attempt to squash depression before it gets full hold of her.
As I battle depression with my children, I realize how exhausting it is. Some days I have to go back to my own struggle and tackle it all over again so that I can help my child. Today, is one of those days. I don't know. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's that a couple schedules have changed lately altering some alone time I was craving and smashing some financial opportunities. Maybe it's lack of finances that drags me down as it never seems to end. Whatever the cause, I know I have the initial hope of my Lord standing there wanting to take my every thought and turn it into something magnificant if I let him.... Thanks for listening. It's time I spend some time doing just that.
I will spare you a long, drawn out account of how depression and I met. But, I will tell you that I am quite familiar with it and that when I was in college, I concluded more than 60 hours of training and more hours of online, deep in the thick of it, online counseling when I helped to staff the suicide hotline. ..."Thanks for calling Life Crisis Services, this is KC. Are you feeling suicidal today?" So, KC was my assumed name as we were instructed to protect our own identity as we helped some people through some potentially dangerous situations.
After intense training, my very first live call was a suicide in progress... We were able to get help to the person in time, but talk about jumping into the deep end full force from the get go.
As I was attempting to help others, my desire to do so was spurred on by an intimate knowledge of who depression is and the damage it can do.
If I'm honest with myself, I have probably wrestled with depression since at least my teen years, though it wasn't until I was in my 20s that I would come head to head and tackle it in my own life. And, I really believe I have a good hold on it personally now, though it does creep its ugly head from time to time. Sometimes it still takes me off guard with its pathetic wooing voice of thoughts that I don't measure up. My children don't measure up. No one will ever understand me. Things will never get better. It's just not worth the effort. ... These are the thoughts that are the beginning of a sinking pit, and it's at the moment they first crop into my mind that is the time to do the battle to squash them.
Personally, I had to learn to take every thought captive and hand it over to my Savior, Jesus Christ.
I remember this process took time and was a conscious effort, sometimes with rapid-fire attention to an all-out attack on depression's part trying to drag me under. What I didn't realize at the time is that years later, I would need this training to help my own children.
About 5 years ago when my son was making the transition from boy to man, I noticed he seemed to be struggling. Maybe it's because he spends a lot of time programming in front of the computer that I was more aware when depression tried to convince him to believe it. But, I believe God showed me at the time that my son was depressed. Because I was allowed to recognize it early, we tackled it together, and about a year ago, my then 17-year-old, told me that he really has a good handle on depression now and it doesn't crop its sad attempts to drag him down hardly at all anymore.
I was so relieved, but I didn't see the next victim was right there before my eyes.
My newly turned 12-year-old daughter has for the past couple of years complained of constant headaches, tummy aches, sore throats, etc. I've spent a lot of time trying to get to the root cause and a lot of prayer and efforts have gone into making her well. It wasn't until within the last year that I started noticing these symptoms she complained of being so miserable would POOF suddenly dissipate when she would get busy doing something she enjoyed. I began to realize. She's depressed.
I will admit that I wish I had pinpointed depression in her a couple years earlier so it would never have done any damage. But, that's not typically the way it goes. I am, however, thankful, I have now put my finger on it and am making a full-fledged attempt to squash depression before it gets full hold of her.
As I battle depression with my children, I realize how exhausting it is. Some days I have to go back to my own struggle and tackle it all over again so that I can help my child. Today, is one of those days. I don't know. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's that a couple schedules have changed lately altering some alone time I was craving and smashing some financial opportunities. Maybe it's lack of finances that drags me down as it never seems to end. Whatever the cause, I know I have the initial hope of my Lord standing there wanting to take my every thought and turn it into something magnificant if I let him.... Thanks for listening. It's time I spend some time doing just that.
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