The fight of depression: They're just words, right?

Those who don't know me very well may have no idea, but most of my life I have dealt with depression on one level or another. I'm not sure where it started. It could be hereditary. I don't know. But, the important thing is that it stops with me.

Still, I think I function a lot on words. Words mean a lot to me. I am a writer, after all. Though, I really don't consider myself one. But, words mean a lot to me.

Happy words build me up faster than just about anything else in the world. If you speak happy words to me, I will probably do just about anything for you. However, there is a catch. If you speak them without meaning or in a shallow way, it will backfire and I will not trust anything else you say.

Sad words, or even words that imply judgement or rejection hurt me the worst. Yes, I have a fear of rejection. I think I have all of my life, or at least since about 4th or 5th grade when we moved to a new school and people were not so kind.

But, it doesn't take much of a mean word to bring me to tears and feel worthless. When someone critiques my grammar, it almost always sends me into tears and feelings of worthlessness.

Also, words don't have to be spoken to hurt. Sometimes, it's the unspoken word - the absent words from a forgotten birthday or lack of invite to something others were invited to, for instance. The compliment that went to a sibling from another sibling but never to me. Or, the empty I Love You that seems to ramble off of my husband's tongue like a memorized, thoughtless script. Or, a poorly worded comment that leaves me feeling as if I don't matter enough for someone to take the time to formulate a thoughtful one, as I would have done for them. Or, the meaning I interpret behind the words I am given.

Probably the most damaging words are the hurtful ones. Facebook and Twitter are terrible in this regard. People are constantly spouting out their opinion with no regard to how someone else might feel. Even though I rarely engage in these arguments, I read comments from time to time, and I empathize with the person I agree with, as if we are sports teams, always with two sides trying to win a game.

It's probably the ones who should be lifting me up, close friends or family, whose words hurt the absolute most. Lack of kind comments or comments that seem to have hidden undertones of disagreement, like one comment in December from a family member telling me that my homeschool is very cocoony. This was in return to a comment about how my daughter still loves to snuggle. This family member went on to say how my child needs to get out into the real world. Ouch! In that one statement, you criticized my method of educating my children and my parenting skills. And, for some reason I can't let it go.

Early this morning, I woke up to a notification on my phone that a client was asking for revisions. This doesn't happen much actually, but it's typically not a big change. Often the changes are so small that  I wonder why the client didn't just make them without sending it back to me. This morning's was different. It came from a client whom I consider almost a friend. She is always so complimentary, even tipping me on frequent occasion. She is a naturopath and has even provided me with helpful advice during sicknesses. So, when I saw her ask for a revision, I literally got sick to my stomach. It hurt. But, this is just one of the numerous examples of how words send me into despair.

Then, I came out to work on another writing project, and my computer was freaking out beeping like crazy. Turns out, the Windows update somehow removed my OneDrive folder. I would have stopped everything and asked my IT guy (my son), but it was early and he was sleeping.

So, now I sit having done basically nothing all morning and trying to pick myself up enough to get the gumption to write.

Scripture helps, but it does require constant meditation. Here's some of my favorites:

Why so downcast oh my soul, put your trust in God.

Cast all your anxiety on Him for he cares for you

God, who comforts us in all our troubles.

I will strengthen and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.