In my pursuit to re-attain joy in time for Christmas, I have been reminded of some happenings in my life which I had partially forgotten.
One such happening occurred years ago, when I was in my 20's. Please bear with me as I tell the story of what happened, because it is 100% true but may sound a bit odd if you have never experienced anything on a spiritual level.
The true story begins as I was alone in my house. The circumstances in my life at the time were a bit disjointed. I had been dating a boy I thought I would marry. We dated for 5 1/2 years before I finally had the courage to break it off, and that only after he had gone out on me and impregnated another girl. I even stayed with him after the baby was born, and I held that little one to quiet his crying before my fiance at the time and his new girl/mother of his child decided to give the baby up for adoption. This break up was so traumatic and painful for me.
I went on with my life in an attempt to find happiness. I began dating someone else, who soon received a job offer out of state and needed someone to occupy his house until he could sell it. That someone became me.
So, it was that house that I sat alone in.
At the time, I was working full time in the evenings and going to college full time during the day while also completing two practicums for my human services degree - one at a probation and parole office nearby and the other at the suicide hotline life crisis services also nearby. My time was full in an attempt to get on with my life and make something of it.
One night, I sat very depressed, and suicidal myself!
I was angry! I had reason to be, I suppose. But, it was against my nature to give into anger. Hence, this anger often turned into depression which in turn became enticing to end it all.
I sat there in my room all alone, angry and depressed, and I began to have it out with God. As if my mere humanity was a match for my creator. I sat there bold-faced, face-to-face angrily asking my Lord why he even let me be born in the first place if my life was to be filled with such hurt and pain.
I admit, I didn't hold anything back. I looked up to heaven and laid it all bare.
When I had screamed and yelled and carried on for quite awhile and had come to a point where I had no more to say, I just sat there in the quiet.
It was dark by this time, and my room door was shut. I sat on the floor curled up, rocking with my knees against my chest.
I heard the silence break. Now, I'm not sure if this was an audible voice or if I only heard the voice in my spirit. Nonetheless, one way or the other, I heard a voice clearly say:
"Are you finished?"
Yes. I suppose I was. So, I turned my yelling into listening.
What happened next is the part I will never forget and the part that makes no scientific or physical sense. But, it happened.
I heard the voice tell me:
"I created you because I had so much JOY that I wanted to share it with YOU!"
As the voice spoke, I saw a visual light pour in from underneath my door.
The light could not have come from anywhere but from the the throne of God. It was deep into the night by this point. There were no street lights and no lights on in my home. Yet, this light poured into my room underneath that door like honey flowing.
In it was a lightness, a feeling as if my anger just dissolved and nothing else mattered but allowing that light to engulf me.
IT WAS JOY!
And, God - my maker - wanted to share it with me. The very reason he made me was to fill me with His JOy!
Is joy something you can muster up all by yourself? I really don't think so. I really believe that true joy is only found when we are in the presence of God. The Bible says:
You will make known to me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
In Your right hand there are pleasures forever. Psalm 16:11
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